


Hold Me Close

by Iron_Eirlyssa (Eirlyssa)



Series: Eirlyssa's 2019 Bingo Fills [16]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers Cuddlepile, Avengers Family, Bucky Barnes Bingo 2019, M/M, Pre-Slash, Team as Family, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Gets a Hug, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Touch-Starved, Touch-Starved Tony Stark, WinterIron Bingo 2019, bucky barnes is a sweetheart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-03 23:03:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21187442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eirlyssa/pseuds/Iron_Eirlyssa
Summary: Yes, Tonyknewit was his own fault that he was sitting here, shivering and clutching his blanket and feeling like he was about to break. Especially as it was becoming increasingly clear this wasn't just going to go away.Fortunately, he had people who cared about him.





	Hold Me Close

**Author's Note:**

> A work that originally got inspired by one of the alternative Whumptober prompts (14 - Touch-starved) but that now fills square I3 - Touch Starved for the WinterIron Bingo and square Y4 - Hurt/Comfort for the Bucky Barnes Bingo.
> 
> I dedicate this work to the absolutely amazing, wonderful, incredible WinterIron Discord server, which I have been blessed to have been a part of for one year today. Thank you all so much for all of the ways you have made my life better!

It was his own fault, he was aware.

Well, perhaps _fault_ was too harsh a word. There were very valid reasons, and it wasn’t like it hurt anyone except Tony himself. But he hadn’t corrected some reasonable assumptions the others had made, and that meant it wasn’t their fault at least.

As far back as he could remember, touch had been a _thing_. Both of his parents had been fairly physically distant and not naturally touchy people. Even Jarvis, bless his soul, had been uncomfortable with physical affection with his employer’s son. So when he’d been young, most of his relatively infrequent touches were either negative, or came from his Aunt Peggy, who could only visit rarely, and from Ana Jarvis.

MIT had brought him Rhodey, despite having moved away from Ana, but it also taught him that touch could be used as a weapon as well. So despite wanting it, _needing_ it, Tony had become wary of physical affection.

After his parents had died and he’d grown closer to Obie, the man had picked up on his longing, and he’d filled some of the void that had been left by Rhodey’s joining the Air Force. But something had always been just a bit _off_, and it wasn’t until years later that he found out exactly why it had never quite fulfilled his need. It had just been another tool in an arsenal of exceedingly subtle weapons he hadn’t noticed until it was too late.

By then, Rhodey was the only one he was truly comfortable with touching him. One night stands had sustained him somewhat, gave him some of the touch he longed for without having to let them close enough to truly betray him. Pepper and Happy weren’t too bad, but he had learned over the years that allowing others to know his weaknesses meant that they could be exploited. He _knew_, rationally, that Pepper and Happy would not betray him. But it was hard to unlearn that suspicion, especially after Obie.

During his and Pepper’s relationship, it had been lovely to be able to touch whenever they were close, and he’d honestly been more peaceful during that time than he could remember being before, except perhaps back when he had nightly cuddle sessions with Rhodey when they were roommates at MIT.

Of course, then New York had happened and their relationship had fallen apart. He didn’t blame Pepper for not being able to deal with all of it, but it did mean things were a little more awkward between them, and his one steady source of affectionate contact was just… gone.

When the other Avengers had moved in, it had taken some getting used to living together. All of them had weird schedules and weird habits and weird hang-ups that they all needed to work around, and in some cases that had gone more successfully than others. They’d all become friends, at least, and with that came an increased closeness.

Except the first time Clint had reached out to him, relaxed and easy and natural, Tony had flinched.

Everyone had noticed, and from that moment on, attempts to touch him had become rarer. The few moments it _did_ happen were usually unexpected, again startling Tony, which reinforced the idea that he didn’t like to be touched.

And he hadn’t been able to bring up the subject and admit the truth - he was just so pathetically unused to it that it startled him, but he _wanted_.

So yes, to make a long story short, Tony _knew_ it was his own fault that he was sitting here, shivering and clutching his blanket and feeling like he was about to break. He _knew_ that, if he’d just spoken up, they would probably include him in their huge couch-cuddlepile during movie nights and might sometimes even just give him a hug that was _just for him_.

But because he was a coward (and perhaps a little afraid that they might feel obliged, that they didn’t really want to be all that close to him), he instead sat in the loveseat by himself and _ached_.

After the discovery of HYDRA and the brief destruction and resurrection of SHIELD, it became even worse.

Not that Tony had anything against either Sam or Bucky, honestly. They were both sarcastic assholes, which was exactly the kind of person he liked, and they seemed to fit in seamlessly with all of them. Which was exactly the problem, to some extent. Because now there were two more people included in the cuddlepile, and Tony was still sitting on the side and wanting, _wanting_, but too afraid to speak up.

It was clear it was good for all of them. Everyone had their own problems - Thor with what had happened with his brother, Steve with the whole ‘future’ thing as well as the revelation that HYDRA was still there and worse than ever, Clint and Natasha with what SHIELD had been, Bruce with the Hulk, Sam with his military past, and Bucky with everything HYDRA had done to him and had made him do. But here, in the home that Tony gladly provided for them, they had people who were there for them, who supported them and who helped them heal.

Tony was happy for them - ecstatic, really. They all deserved nothing but the very best, which he tried his hardest to provide for them.

Still, he couldn’t help but be jealous as well.

He shivered a little and wrapped the blanket a little more tightly around himself, hoping it would chase away the cold that felt like it had crept into his very bones. It never did, though.

The last time he’d really touched someone more than furtively had been a few months ago already, and he tried to remember what it had felt like. Bucky ran hotter than most people due to the serum, and it was like that warmth spread all through Tony every time he had to touch his shoulder when working on the arm. It probably didn’t help that he was attracted to Bucky and wanted to touch him a lot more than that, but he’d tried to give into that urge as little as possible.

Honestly, he’d wanted to collapse right into those strong arms and not get up for a long time.

Even though it was only a fantasy, Tony could feel the way the cold retreated just a little. It was never enough, though, and it never lasted for too long either.

A whimper escaped him, and he grimaced. Damn, but he should be better than this. Stronger. Less pathetic, less desperate for someone to show him just the smallest scraps of kindness. He hated this feeling, hated these moments, even hated himself a little bit for not being able to just shrug it off and move on the way he should.

His mind briefly flashed to the way alcohol dulled the ache enough to carry him through, but he’d promised. He’d promised Pepper, and he’d promised Steve, and he’d promised Nick. And if he started, he wouldn’t be stopping, not anytime soon, and he’d _promised_.

So instead, he pressed miserably into the corner of his room and hoped the walls would fall over and envelop him.

The knock on the door startled him.

“Who’s there?” he called out, trying not to sound as pathetic as he felt.

“It’s me,” Bucky called out, and Tony shivered a little upon hearing his voice. It might still be a little strange to Steve, but Tony liked the way the faintest Russian accent slipped into his voice. “Can I come in?”

“Ehm…” Tony didn’t think he had the strength to pretend he was alright at the moment, but he also didn’t want Bucky seeing him like this. “Rather not, sorry,” he admitted, flinching just a little. He _wanted_ to see Bucky, wanted to talk to him and hear him laugh and lean into him just a little to feel that heat spread through him. But he knew he shouldn’t, even if it might mean sending him away and never having him come back.

“That’s alright.” He didn’t sound angry at all, which Tony had feared just a little. Instead, there was nothing but gentle acceptance. “JARVIS said you weren’t coming to movie night ‘cause you weren’t feeling well, and I just… I wanted to see if… To ask if there was anything I could get you. To help you feel better.”

For a few moments, Tony couldn’t speak. It felt like he couldn’t breathe through the lump in his throat, and he had to force himself to swallow. “Thank you.” It was a little more hoarse than he honestly wanted to sound like, but he hoped Bucky wouldn’t notice. “I don’t…”

He wanted to say he didn’t need anything, he honestly did, but it would be one of the biggest lies he’d ever told and he just _couldn’t_. So he fell into silence, burying himself into the blanket and just hoping that it would be fine, that he’d get through this and be able to fake he was fine again tomorrow and be part of the team again.

Outside the door, Bucky remained silent for some seconds. Then, he asked again. “Can I come in?” There was no more pressure behind it than there had been the first time, no expectation, and Tony knew that if he said ‘no’, Bucky would accept that.

In a moment of weakness, of utter desperation for something to change and get _better_, Tony simply gave in. “Sure.” His voice was soft, nearly inaudible, but it had been enough.

Tony looked away from the door as he heard Bucky open it, too ashamed to face him. That didn’t seem to phase Bucky at all though, his footsteps gentle as he closed in on Tony before dropping to his knees only a few feet away.

Casting a quick glance at his face, Tony could see that he was worried. “Sorry,” he muttered.

“What for?”

“Worrying you. Keeping you from the rest. Not being able to just _get over myself_.” He shouldn’t have let Bucky in, should have just told him that tonight wasn’t a good night but it’d probably be better tomorrow, no matter how much he didn’t believe it himself.

“That’s… You don’t need to be sorry about that,” Bucky told him gently, and Tony finally looked up.

For a brief moment, he looked into Bucky’s eyes, seeing the concern and warmth there. But his attention was soon diverted to his right hand, which was extended just a little in what had likely been an aborted gesture to touch him. So close, and yet it felt like there were miles between the two of them, like they were standing in two different worlds.

And then it touched him.

He couldn’t help the flinch - never quite could, because the feeling was foreign and different and somehow he expected it to _hurt_. Bucky didn’t move his hand, however, keeping it calmly on top of Tony’s arm, and he stared at it, utterly astonished, before he just _melted_ into it.

“Oh,” he sighed, unable to believe how _warm_ he suddenly felt, how his skin no longer felt like it didn’t fit him right, how soothing it was. It had been so long.

Bucky let out a startled sound at his reaction, and Tony knew he should probably move, but he found that he couldn’t bring himself to pull away. And then, whispering a soft “oh, Tony,'' Bucky moved forward and pulled him into a hug, and he actually _whimpered_ at how good that felt. Unable to help himself, Tony burrowed into Bucky as much as he could, trying to get as close as possible to that wonderful warmth.

When Bucky’s left arm moved, he only barely managed to keep himself from protesting, and he instantly relaxed when it turned out Bucky had only switched position so he could rest the hand on Tony’s head.

Oh, this was… Bucky was _good_ at hugs. The perfect size, bigger than Tony and capable of surrounding him completely with warmth and affection, and he never wanted to leave. Only Rhodey had held him like this before, made him feel this cared for, and that had been _without_ romantic feelings being involved. _With_ them involved, Tony felt warmed from the core out, like there was a star in his chest that had finally ignited.

Given the choice, he could have stayed there forever, just breathing and basking in the contact. He honestly didn’t want to let go.

Fortunately, Bucky seemed fine with the not letting go part. The staying part, however… “Not that I mind hugging you, _at all_, but… I’ll admit I can think of some more comfortable places to do so, for both of us.”

Rather than answer out loud, Tony just hummed agreeably. Whatever would make this last longer, he was absolutely fine with. He felt like he was flying.

“Would you be alright with joining the others?” At that question, Tony did become a bit more aware, tensing up slightly. He looked up at Bucky, who only smiled gently at him. “It ain’t an obligation, but I thought it’d be nice. If you’d prefer to stay in here, though, I’m also fine with it.”

Tony thought on it for a bit, pensively biting his lip. “Do you think they’d mind? If I… joined in?” He knew there was theoretically also the option of sitting in his usual loveseat, except with Bucky this time, and while he had to admit that option also sounded _very_ attractive… He just wondered what it would be like to be part of the entire group, to feel connected to all of them in that way.

“Course they wouldn’t mind,” Bucky instantly assured him, and he sounded so _certain_ that Tony couldn’t help but believe him.

“Then I… I’d like that,” he admitted, though he couldn’t help but worry, _just a little_, that they _would_. He never had before, after all, and he didn’t want to make them uncomfortable in their own home, didn’t want to force them into something they didn’t want.

When they got there, however, Tony carried by Bucky because he simply _could not bring himself to let go_, the other Avengers welcomed the two of them warmly and happily, and try as he might, Tony couldn’t find a single sign that they were just acting. If anything, they looked concerned for him, and that added another flicker of warmth to the glowing in his chest.

“Mind if we join the rest of you?” Bucky asked, because as much as Tony hated to admit it, he was too scared to.

There were no grimaces or neutral expressions like he’d been worried about. Instead, the others smiled even wider, instantly making space for the two of them in the middle of the group. And when Bucky sat down, they closed in again, until Tony could feel multiple touches - Natasha leaning into his side, Clint’s legs draped over hers so his feet were touching Tony’s leg, Steve’s arm thrown over Bucky’s shoulder and touching Tony’s as well, Bruce and Thor leaning back into their legs where they were sitting on the ground, and Sam with his head in Steve’s lap and touching Tony’s leg. Through all of it, Bucky was still holding him in his lap comfortably.

For the first moment, he couldn’t help but tense up the way he usually did, and he waited for all of them to pull back from him. But they didn’t, and with a happy sigh, he relaxed into the affection. Everywhere they were touching him was a spot of heat, and he almost wanted to cry at how _amazing_ it felt. It was everything he could have hoped for and _so much more_.

He didn’t pay attention to a single moment of the movie, instead closing his eyes and breathing deeply as he focused on the feeling of connection, of warmth, of utter _elation_.

That evening, for the first time (but certainly not the last), he fell asleep in Bucky’s arms, a blissful smile on his face, content for the first time in years as their affection warmed him up from the inside out.

**Author's Note:**

> So for this story, it needed to be pre-WinterIron because there was no way Bucky would be going too long without touching his gorgeous partner. And from now on and as they move into a relationship, he _certainly_ will be making sure Tony will get _all the affection_.
> 
> Rest assured the rest of the Avengers (as well as Tony) have also learned from this experience, and there will be a _lot_ more affection in general going forward.
> 
> Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it! Also feel free to come check out my [Tumblr](https://eirlyssa.tumblr.com/) if you want to come say 'hi'! And if you are part of the WinterIron server; thank you so very very much for making my life a better and warmer place 💙 I love you all!


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